


The Ol' Switch-a-roo

by Storyflight



Series: BSD/DR Crossover Collection [5]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: Amami is the only one with a braincell, Attempt at Humor, Bodyswap, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am not sorry, Iruma Miu's Dirty Mouth, Nonbinary Amami Rantaro, Nonbinary Edgar Allan Poe (Bungou Stray Dogs), Please Do Not Take This Seriously, Spoiler alert: There is no conclusion, chaotic - Freeform, help them, they need help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23484103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storyflight/pseuds/Storyflight
Summary: A BSDRV3 Bodyswap fic, need I say more? Sorry not sorry
Relationships: Amami Rantaro & Edogawa Ranpo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi, Edogawa Ranpo (Bungou Stray Dogs) & Saihara Shuichi, Edogawa Ranpo/Edgar Allan Poe (Bungou Stray Dogs), Louisa May Alcott & Edogawa Ranpo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Louisa May Alcott (Bungou Stray Dogs) & Amami Rantaro, Louisa May Alcott (Bungou Stray Dogs) & Tojo Kirumi
Series: BSD/DR Crossover Collection [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1441207
Kudos: 13





	The Ol' Switch-a-roo

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this March 31st and went "What if I posted this for April Fools!" And I never did...over a month later and you get it LMAO
> 
> PLEASE do not take this seriously it's so stupid, I just wanted to write my chaotic au even more chaotic

Waking up didn’t feel right. A wave of uncertainty went down his spine once his eyes opened (yes, opened) and he realises at once that he’s not in his room. Ranpo’s room is not this small, his bed is bigger, and he doesn’t sleep with a weighted blanket. 

“Was I…” He couldn’t even finish the sentence. Ranpo’s voice is higher than normal.  _ What the fuck. _

Maybe he’s sick? Or it’s some crazy dream?! Ranpo hops up from the bed and rushes to the bathroom. His heart is beating a million times a minute as he throws hot water on his face, everything feels so  _ wrong.  _ What happened?!

He looks down at his fingers, they’re thinner than normal and nails painted black. Poe hasn’t painted his nails in a couple of weeks, these look fresh. 

“Where am…” Ranpo looks up at the mirror and his blood runs cold. He’s looking at dull amber eyes instead of green, blue-grey hair with a noticeable cowlick instead of messy black hair, and his teeth are...really white? Why in the world-

“HOLY SHIT?!” He cries out. This has to be caused by an ability user, no doubts about it. “I AM SAIHARA?!”

* * *

“Huh…” Kirumi scans herself in the mirror, this isn’t her body whatsoever. She woke up in the body of Louisa May Alcott, which isn’t anything too bad. The guild member talks so much about ability users and powers they have that she’s unfazed by the situation. She gets ready like normal and fixes her hair, fixes it to  _ her  _ style. Louisa’s hair isn’t long enough to cover the entire left side of her face, but she manages to get the eye hidden.

“And my vision transfers...I don’t need these glasses” Kirumi holds the legs of the glasses, “If that’s the case, does her ability transf—“

“LOUISA!!!” The ‘maid’ jumps up from the sudden outcry. It’s Francis, holding up a stack of newspapers proudly and grinning from ear to ear. “GUESS WHAT TODAY IS?!”

“Uh— uh…” Kirumi blinks dumbly, “I don’t know?”

“Woah…” Mark slips in from the back, “First of all, you don’t know?! And second, did you just say a whole sentence without stuttering?”

“Oh, I-I’m Sorry?”  _ Am I supposed to tell them that I am not Louisa?  _ “May you refresh my memory? I didn't mean to forget”

“There’s a sale! Several!!” Francis holds up the newspaper in front of her.  _ Inches  _ away from her face, unable to read these said sales. “And we are going to every single one of them!”

“Then afterwards is Karaoke!!” Mark exclaims and waves his arms about. “Today is going to be a great day!”

Kirumi could only chuckle dryly.  _ This is going to be a loooong day. _

* * *

‘Ranpo’ knows his way through Hope’s Peak campus. After visiting a couple of times for Shuichi, he has the layout down. Now, if he had to leave and then come back, he won’t know where he's going.

“I have to find one of his little buddies and tell him what’s up” Ranpo could say he’s sick and cancel and plans for today. It’ll be good for him and Shuichi. “Looks like I gotta look for Amami, Ugh, that idiot…”

A frightened shriek comes further in the hall. Ranpo pays it no mind and keeps going, but that cry pattern sounds just like Louisa’s, he notices.

“EE-EEEUUAAH!” And he sees a familiar maid cowering in the corner.  _ Holy shit. _

“Mom?! What the hell is with you!” The one boy named Kokichi is here with her. He crosses his arms and swings a leg towards ‘Kirumi’, who shrinks back and whines again. “Shumai! I think Mom is broken! Use your detective skills to fix her”

“I don’t have my glasses for Ultra De— I meeeeaaaannnn, how about we leave her be? Maybe she woke up on the wrong side of the bed”

“T-This whole thing is a b-bad dream! T-That’s it!” Kirumi, or  _ Louisa,  _ slowly rises back up on her feet. “I-I just need to...t-to...AAAH! SAIHARA!” She runs over to the detective and holds his arm for dear life. Damn, she’s strong. 

“Saihara!! Help me! I can’t see anything!! And she’s so tall!! And I c-can’t walk in heels!! W-We need to go get Ranpo-kun!!”

“Uhh…” he coughs dryly, “I  _ am  _ Ranpo-kun”

“WHHHAAAAAATTTT?!”

* * *

Shuichi stays quiet at ‘work’. He pretends to sleep and doesn’t say a word to anyone at the agency. Anything that he will say will sound stupid compared to Ranpo, if only his intelligence stayed in his body after this weird switch-a-roo. 

Shuichi spent half of the morning screaming at the mirror and going through lines his mentor would say throughout the day. He should’ve just called and said he’s sick, because there was the intense fear that he’s given a case only Ranpo could solve. He’s praying none of that happens today, he wants today to go as smooth as possible and then everything will go back to normal tomorrow. 

_ I still have to tell someone about this, what if it stays like this forever?!  _ And that means Ranpo will be Shuichi for the rest of  _ his  _ life! None of them are equipped for each other’s lives. 

A part of him wishes that Poe and Rantaro switched bodies. If they had their moppy-haired partners with them, then it isn’t so bad. 

“Ranpo-saaaaaan” someone begins to poke the top of his head. It’s only Lucy (unless this happened to her too), a good friend of Ranpo and Shuichi. “You’ve been sleeping for most of the morning, you okay there?!”

“Uh, Yes! Yeah!” He raises his head and fixes the small brown hat. “I’m...great! Best detective is going amazing! Uh...Nya Nya!”

Lucy takes a step back, not offended in the slightest.

“Do you...need me?”  _ Please don’t let it be a case only Edogawa can do! _

“No, I just wanted to drop some candy off for you. I finally bought it, tell me how it tastes!” The redhead slips a large bag of sweet candy. Looking at it makes his teeth hurt, and he can pick out all red pieces,  _ oh come on!  _

“Uh, Ranpo-san? Are you going to eat?”

“Um...not right now! I’m...not hungry at the moment!”  **Strike one.**

“You’re not WHAT?!” Dazai looks up from their laptop, “Ranpo-san is dying”

“Or Poe-san broke up with him!” Naomi exchanges a look with Haruno, “It can’t be!”

“Kenji doesn’t think any of that is happening…” he clasped his hands together, “Perhaps Ranpo-san is full!”

“He’s  _ never  _ full!” Kunikida retorts. 

All of this because Shuichi won’t eat candy right this second. How is he going to handle the rest of today if his diet is the opposite of Ranpo’s? “I am going to see Yosano-san” he states. That’s the only person he can go to at a time like this.

“....He didn’t say Akiko-chan” Lucy whispers, “He’s dying”

* * *

“W-Why is e-everyone staring at me! P-Please stop staring at me!! I-I hate this...” Louisa keeps using Ranpo as a meat shield, “Saiha— I mean, Ranpo-san...can you make them stop staring?!”

“I think they’re staring because we look like some couple with you holding me like that” he shakes Louisa off of him, “Remember that Saihara and Amami are together, not him and Toujou. Also, Toujou is...serious and never shows her feelings. You should know that! So play your part!”

“I-I can never b-be her” she whimpers. How in the world can she intimidate Kirumi’s professionalism and graceful nature? Louisa can try, but her anxiety will get in the way for most of it. “If there are l-less people and I-I am working on my o-own...t-then I would be okay!”

“Ugh, whatever” Ranpo rolls his eyes, “Glad this Hope’s Peak place doesn’t give us mandatory attendance because I have no fucking clue what classes they have and where they are...now” He looks at the large metal door in front of them, “We are going to talk to Iruma-chan about this. She’s an inventor, so maybe she can use her skills to turn everything back to normal”

Louisa’s eyes grow wide. “O-Or switched with Katai…”

“Don’t put that in my head” Ranpo heaves the door open and gestures Louisa to follow him inside. She takes the other’s wrist and stares down at the ground, the amount of lights and suggestive is too much for Louisa. How does Kirumi handle all of this?

Sure enough, the vulgar inventor is in her lab. She seems to be lost in thought with one hand under her chin and eyes focused on a blueprint on her desk. Louisa shudders and lowers herself to Ranpo (or Shuichi’s) height. “A-Are you sure this will w-work?” She whispers.

“Remember that I’m a world-class detective” Ranpo winks, “And I’ll find a way to fix all of this! HEY! IRUMA-CHAAAAAAN!”

She turns her attention to the two. “Huh? What’s wrong?”

Louisa doesn’t trust this. Kirumi talks about how Miu would swear every other word, she seems  _ too  _ calm.  _ It’s not Katai, I know that… _

“We need your help!” Ranpo continues, “Are ya up for it?!”

“Is it with an invention?” Miu raises an eyebrow, “Because I am unable to accept commissions at the moment. Could you come back tomorrow?”

**_Oh no._ **

“W-Why is she…” Louisa whimpers, “W-WHY i-is Iruma t-talking like that?!”

“Oh, I am not Iruma” she confirms, “I seem to have fallen into those body swap tropes, probably from an ability user” ‘Miu’ tosses strands of hair to the side, “I’m Karl, Poe’s Raccoon”

Louisa faints on the spot.

* * *

Kirumi begins to rub her temples. If Francis buys another item, she’s going to scream. All of this is nonsense and a waste of valuable time, he could be using his money for anything but useless folders. “Ah, Master Fitzgerald?” She lifts the five bags in each arm, “I’m pleased you’re enjoying this sale...but do you need to buy ten boxes of Scalloped Potatoes?”

“If you buy five, get five free!” Francis beams, “And this won’t be on sale tomorrow! I gotta get it all now!”

“I believe that you could use the money for something else…” Kirumi narrows her eyes, “Perhaps you could buy a big item you’ll need instead of several small ones?”

Margaret huffs. “What’s with you? Speaking up like that?! A nice change in pace though, Darling”

_ Don’t think about it too hard.  _

Nathaniel narrows his eyes. “It’s strange to have Alcott like so...bold”

“I-I’m not acting...bold” Kirumi mutters, “Just...giving my mas- Lor- Boss advice? I should be allowed to do so, correct?”

“Of course you can! And my trusted subordinate gave me an excellent idea!!” Francis throws his arm around her, _please get off of me._ “Louisa is right! I think it’s time for me to buy another cruise ship! We are all taking a trip today! How does that sound?”

_ I’m having a break?! Oh god, please no. _

“Is there going to be karaoke?” Mark scrunches his nose, “Cause I’m not interested if there’s no karaoke”

“We will b-buy a karaoke machine...now–“ Kirumi shoos Francis’s arm away, “Do you  _ need _ another cruise ship, Boss?”

“We gave one ship to the Agency and haven’t had our own since Zelda…” Francis rubs his hands together, “It’s a sign for our change, I like it”

“You messed up there, Louisa” Margaret chuckles and nudges her elbow. Kirumi holds back a frustrated groan.

* * *

Yosano turns her chair to face the detective. Ranpo, or  _ Shuichi,  _ is laying flat on the patient’s bed with green eyes staring up at the ceiling. “Shall I call Amami?” She asks, “I’m sure having your partner around could help you”

“They could be Poe-san at this rate” Shuichi grumbles, “Hell, maybe a total stranger. I don’t know what’s going on...but it  _ has  _ to be an ability user unless Tayama-san and Miu did something…”

“Hmm…” Yosano taps the clipboard with her pen, “A shame, cause I wanted to scare that mosshead”

“You’re so mean to them”

“It’s out of love,” she chuckles. It’s so easy to scare Rantaro. “But you can’t just sit on that bed forever. Perhaps I could call Ranpo-san...or _you_ , and have him come over”  
"School is a thing" Shuichi waves one arm in circles, "And he has to know his way back to the Agency. You could try and call him, but classes do not end for another couple hours. Thank goodness I have nothing to do afte-"

“YOOOOOOSSSAAAAANNNNOOOOO!!!!” The havoc continues. It’s almost noon, Poe visits at this time and drops off lunch for Ranpo...most of the time. At the moment, they’re frightened for dear life and holding up their pet raccoon. “YOOOOSAAANO!!! HELP!!”

_ Why are they coming to me, out of all people? _

“Are you really Poe-san?!” Shuichi asks, “Or are you someone else?!”

“Wh– I AM POE!” They confirm, “B-BUT...KARL ISN'T KARL?!”

“Can you fucking let me go?! Damn it! Your hands are all boney!! Your boyfriend must love that, huh” Karl places a paw on his cheek and snickers, “Am I right or am I FUCKING right?!”

“I…” Yosano drops her pen, “I’m no longer drinking wine when the sun is out”

“IRUMA-SAN?!” Shuichi’s voice cracks, “You’re...YOU’RE KARL?! Oh my god...my heads hurts” he pulls the ends of his hair, “What the FUCK is going on?!”

“Ranpo-kun…?”

“That’s Saihara-kun” Yosano corrects. Poe’s shoulders drop. “Yeah, sorry your boyfriend isn’t...here” she air quotes the last bit. Yosano needs a raise  _ or  _ vacation once this is over.

Or both! That's a better deal.

* * *

It's Lunchtime; Shuichi, Kirumi, Angie, and Miu have been absent all day. Kirumi could be finishing a request, Miu might be working, but Angie and Shuichi’s absence is new.

Rantaro frowns. They’re not the only one confused about the four, Kokichi mentioned seeing Kirumi and her acting weird.  _ “Shumai appeared, took her, and disappeared into the night!!” _ Kokichi told them. 

“I would like to see my boyfriend once today. I’m getting worried” they press their back against the wall and sigh, Rantaro couldn’t eat without knowing what the hell is going on with the four. “Well...What connections do they all have?” They tap their cheek in thought, “Uh...not with height...I’m close with all of them...No, not all of them are in a relationship...Kirumi is the only one—“

Speaking of the devil.

“AMAMI! AAAAAMAMI!!” Kirumi, in tears (she’s crying??? That’s new, and they’re concerned as hell), runs to the Adventurer with no intention to stop. They had no time to think and react, she tackled them down to the ground and held their waist  _ way  _ too tight for comfort.  _ I can’t breathe, what the fuck. _

“Amami! AMAMI!! We have been looking everywhere f-for you! T-This s-School is so big...I-I can’t see anything! Aaaah!” She wipes her teary eyes, “B-But...are you Amami?”

“Ah, we found my fellow sibling” Miu appears to the scene and waves, “Greetings Amami!”

“What the fuck…”

“A-Amami! Uh…” Kirumi(?) lets go of Rantaro, “W-We need y-your h-help...Y-You see, I’m not Toujou and...Iruma isn’t...Iruma”

“What the fuck…”

“YO!” There’s Shuichi! The detective lowers himself to Kirumi and Rantaro's level. “Sorry! Not your boyfriend! This is Ranpo!”

“W-WH” Their Brain just...shuts down. This is a dream, it has to be.

“It appears that…” Miu(?) gets down on her knees, “Some of us have switched bodies with the ability users... except myself. Father and Saihara switched bodies, Toujou and Alcott as well. I am...Karl. We thought that maybe you could help us because you’re well...Brother Saihara’s partner. And you know the way back to the agency”

“I-I have never been h-here before…” Louisa shudders, “Toujou visits me! And everything is too much for me...Ranpo-san is not good with directions”

“Am…” Rantaro begins to touch their chest. “Am I high right now?”

“Amami! H-Help us!!” Louisa shakes their arm, “P-Please!!”

“Okay! Okay! I’ll help you guys...I don’t know how…” Their head is spinning, “Okay...so you three have your bodies swapped, that’s why you all went missing...but where the hell is Angie?!”

“I haven’t seen Kenji’s friend anywhere” Miu (Karl! Not Miu!) shrugs, “Do you think something happened to her too?”

God, no, no more. 

* * *

Miu’s tail lashed back and forth as she sat in the doctor’s bed with Shuichi. “I hate this” She snarls, “I’m a fat trash panda with...weird little hands! Why couldn’t I twitch places with Yosano-san! At least I would be hot”

“I would prefer if you didn’t compliment me while you’re like this” 

“I wish I knew what to do” Shuichi fiddles with the thin white blanket, “I don’t know if my ability transferred or not. Even if it did, it wouldn’t work for a situation like this…”

“We will figure it out” Poe reassures, “We need to get the others and then see if anyone else swaps places. I hope Karl is okay though…”

_ What the fuck would a raccoon do in a human’s body anyway?  _ Miu lowers her ears.  _ He might be digging in the trash or biting the others.  _ “Eh, I’m sure he’s fine and shit. Then if ranhoe is there, they can stick together”

“I can’t believe my raccoon is saying all of this”

“Not your damn raccoon!” She hisses, “And I bet your pet is enjoying having a nice rack”

Shuichi slowly brings his palms over his face. “Please. Miu. Stop talking, all together”

“Shut up, Bakahara! I am fucking upset that I turned into a damn raccoon! Out of everyone I could turn into, I had to be KARL!” She curls her (his?) tail around her plump and fluffy body. “Letting you know I didn’t make a damn invention and caused this. Can you get a hold of the others?”

“I would...if I knew Ranpo-san’s passcode for his phone. Here” Shuichi passed the phone to the author, “You know it, right? Call your boyfriend...call m— you know!”

Miu grows impatient by the second. There’s no way for her to get comfortable like this, covered in  _ fur  _ and feeling so vulnerable in this size. It’s hard to think of any good qualities for being a raccoon. She ends up laying flat, making some odd raccoon noise, and wiggles her nose. “How do you think Edogawa is holding up?”

“Akiko” here comes that tall French fry, Kunikida Doppo. Miu raises her head with interest.  “I need Ranpo-san, is he feeling better?” 

“No” Shuichi wheezes, “I-I’m not…”

Kunikida raises an eyebrow. “Not even for a case? Come on, you can bring Poe-kun”

“Pffft” Miu holds back a snort. Those two can have fun with that.  _ Wait, does this mean I have to come along?! _

“Come on! It’s urgent! An in and out, this will be solved in ten seconds with your ability”

_ Doesn’t Shuichi’s stupid ability only work when he’s asleep?!  _ She doesn’t know much about his gift besides that factor. Doubt it’s going to work for a case.

Her first question is answered when Poe scoops her up from the bed and places her on their shoulder. Shuichi gets up from the bed and lets out a loud huff from his nose. This  _ is not  _ going to end well, and Miu has to deal with it.  _ Honestly, if we tell Kunikida...he might not believe us and think it’s some prank...unless I speak.  _

“I’ll try and contact them,” Yosano whispers to the three. “Lay low, you got this”

Miu pats her furry cheeks in frustration. What else could go wrong?

* * *

The Guild has been sailing for two hours. Kirumi and cruise ships do not mix. With the rocking and unable to do any work, it’s her worst nightmare. She spent the entire trip exploring the ship and distracting herself. 

“I need to tell someone about this” Even if it’s one member, they could help her with whatever is going on.  _ Who would be the best person to go to at a time like this? I am only close to Louisa… _

Margaret is a serious young woman, she could believe the bodyswap is a joke and roll her eyes. Nathaniel is off the table, he’s going to say she’s possessed and no one wants to open that can of worms. Mark? Joke about it and say he swapped places with the ex-member John. Francis is a big no-no too.

There is only one person she can trust at a time like this. Kirumi is praying that they don’t let her down. She reaches the top of the cruise ship for the third time and catches sight of the large grey beard at the edge of the top deck. “M-Melville?” She squeaks, “Are you busy?”

The old man opens one eye. Was he asleep?

“I apologise for bothering you...but there’s been a...an issue, and I need your support”

“Hm, I wouldn’t expect Kirumi to ask for help?” He chuckles. 

“Wait—“ she holds her hands close to her chest, “K...Kirumi?!”

“I have to admit, you and Little Louisa have some similarities, but I could tell you weren’t...yourself. I suggest we call Louisa...or you, as soon as possible”

“Oh...Melville! Hearing you say this is such a relief! Please don’t tell the others! I…” She shuffles her feet, “I don’t want havoc to start”

“Your secret is safe with me” Herman gives her a nod of approval. Most of her stress is lifted off her shoulders, but there’s still the issue of Louisa being okay and how she’s going to contact her. She doesn’t know Louisa’s passcode and Herman’s has a flip phone, there’s no phone service in the open sea. 

Patience is key. Kirumi swallows air and ventures further into the ship. Better go ahead and find a way to kill time.

**Author's Note:**

> It only gets worse
> 
> Shoutout to my friend for giving me the idea of Miu and Karl swapping


End file.
